Pediatric Patients Commandeer Ward

Pediatricians at Hospital Woeisme were shocked during rounds over the weekend to find that the pediatrics ward had been placed on lockdown. Though initially worried that a security threat had triggered the lockdown, they soon found that the pediatric patients had staged the coup themselves and taken control of the ward.

The child suspected of spearheading the takeover is none other than notorious 8-year-old neighborhood menace Joey Hipster. He reportedly came down with gastro due to refusing to wash his hands after using the toilet, resulting in mild dehydration and an admission to the low-acuity pediatrics ward.

According to the pediatric nurses, the revolution began when a ‘code blue’ alarm was triggered in a room just outside the ward. Being the closest medical staff, the nurses all ran out of the pediatrics ward and towards the emergency. Once they had rushed out, only to discover the code blue to be a false alarm, they realized they couldn’t get back into the ward.

“Our badges wouldn’t work, and we stood there confused for a moment,” said Nurse Jackie, a seasoned pediatric nurse. “Suddenly, there was little Joey, a right pain in the butt if you ask me, standing at the door and smiling. The other kids stood behind him, laughing and pointing. We saw they’d pulled the manual locks on the doors.”

Since his admission three days ago, Joey covertly recruited all the children on the ward into his plan for a coup. He has since dubbed the pediatrics unit “Hipsterland,” and named his squad of kids The Joeys. Each Joey has reportedly adopted a gang name of their choosing.

By the time maintenance arrived to unlock the doors, an 11-year-old named Cody, gang name Coders McGee, had reprogrammed the doors so that no one could enter or exit. Once they’d taken over the ward, the Joeys first steps included raiding the Child Life closet and locating the stash of iPads. Coders McGee then cracked the security system on the scooters that are normally used by the medical teams to cross the large hospital while rounding. The children spent most of the morning racing up and down the halls.

It is now day three of the siege. Reasoning with the children has thus far proved futile. Interviewing Joey through the intercom at the locked door, Joey stated that the pediatrics ward was no place for children, and that Hospital Woeisme needed to make some serious improvements if they wanted to properly care for sick kids.

The stunned medical staff was given a list of detailed demands, collectively crafted by the patients:

Unlimited screen time. If you’re sick and need to be in a hospital, you get unlimited screen time.
Recess every day. Even sick kids need a break from medicine and pokes for playtime.
A playground installation including swings, a slide, and a rock climbing wall.
Sleepovers and blanket forts must be allowed. If kids have to be away from home, it should feel like a sleepover so the hospital is less scary.
A multiplayer virtual reality room, with wireless headsets for every child in the hospital, so even the sick kids that are bed-bound kids or in isolation in other wards can watch and participate.
Kid’s pets must be allowed to stay with the patient

Joey swears that every child has the option to leave the ward but apparently, none of them want to. As Samantha, gang name Samantha (as she isn’t very creative), explained, “We have an unlimited supply of Jell-O cups, iPads, scooters, and we don’t have to go to school - why would we want to leave?”

A few pediatric nurses were found to be utilizing the hospital pneumatic tubing system to deliver extra meals and snacks, including their favorite treat: turkey sandwiches. In addition to the industrial-sized fully stocked fridge and freezer, packed with food, snacks, juice, chocolate milk, Jell-O cups, pudding cups, and ice pops, is it suspected that the children could comfortably stay holed up in Hipsterland for several weeks.

A drone sent into the pediatrics ward through an open window found that the children had toilet-papered and decorated the ward. They had also pulled a bunch of mattresses, pillows, and blankets from empty rooms into the hallways, making a giant pillow fort in which to play and have sleepovers. Many of the hospital gowns have been refashioned into togas, or draped like loincloths, as the children pretend to be Tarzan and play the-floor-is-lava parkour across the workstations.

Four-year-old Jessica, gang name Sparkle Unicorn Rainbow Party Pants, sat on the hallway floor, coloring on the formerly pristine light blue walls with bright purple surgical marking pens. Sparkle Unicorn Rainbow Party Pants had made armholes in surgical scrub caps, which she now wore on her arms to create the illusion of poufy princess dress sleeves. She wore a necklace made from various medical tubing, and a bedpan crown, decorate with stickers from the craft drawer. When interviewed through the intercom about going home, she giggled, “I like coloring and dress-up and Jell-O and unicorns and sparkles!” And then she skipped back to her spot on the wall and to continue coloring.

In another intercom interview, Kevin, gang name Scooter K. (after winning the mornings scooter race competition), said, “Hipsterland feels like summer camp!” He added, “if anything bad happens, the adults and doctors are right outside anyway, but we’re ok.”

In fact, the children seem more than ‘ok.’ Given the freedom to roam, rest, play, or eat whenever they like, the children on monitors were all found to have improve and stable vital signs. When Lisa, gang name Lisa Lisa I love my Dog, felt better, she told Joey, “I miss my doggie, I want to go home.” A gang of Joeys snuck her out, and she was found sitting outside the ward this morning. On being evaluated by the pediatric attending Dr. McMuffin, Lisa Lisa I love my Dog appeared to have in fact, gotten better, so the pediatrics team shrugged and proceeded with her discharge.

Administrators are debating their next move, with professional negotiators coming in to talk with Joey Hipster and his Joeys of Hipsterland. As the children all seem to be improving medically, they are hesitant to interfere too much and make matters worse. They are also concerned that the success of children running their own medical ward will trigger similar revolutions across the country. The standoff is going into day four, with the Joeys showing no interest in giving up control of the ward until their demands are met.

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