5150 Giveaway!
5150 Giveaway!
In what resembled an Oprah Winfrey-esque giveaway bonanza, every person in the emergency department at Hospital Woeisme received a 5150 yesterday.
The day began when police officer Schrute, looking to avoid the paperwork of arresting a drunken young male, instead opted to bring him to the ED on a psychiatric hold, also known as a 5150.
Officer Schrute explained, “The patient was knocking on doors in a bad area, and he could have gotten himself hurt, so he must be suicidal and needs to be on a 5150.”
The patient stumbled, shrugged, and slurred, “I thought I was at my AirBNB, I don't wanna hurt myself.” The ED staff nonetheless accepted the cop’s reasoning and the patient was checked in to await evaluation by a psychiatrist.
The next patient, Ms. Danvers, arrived after dropping a box of hand sanitizer on her foot while at work. After her foot was bandaged, she stated that she planned to go finish her shift. Using the cop’s logic, the staff concluded that she must be suicidal because she could get hurt again yet she still wanted to return to her job. To further evaluate her apparent death wish, Ms. Danvers was also placed on a 5150.
More patients were subsequently placed on psychiatric holds for partaking in dangerous activities. By mid-afternoon most patients were deemed in need of 5150s, including:
- A college student who planned to keep snowboarding after twisting his ankle.
- A 7-year-old girl who wanted to go back on a trampoline after breaking her arm.
- A diabetic patient who planned to keep using insulin after an episode of hypoglycemia.
- The family member of a patient who drove to the ED without wearing a seatbelt.
Some of the patients began to protest the 5150s. One patient even threatened to harm a nurse if he was not released. The staff came to the realization that working in an ED is dangerous, and that any person who chooses to work in such an environment must be crazy. Shortly thereafter all the ED staff members were placed on psychiatric holds.
Emboldened by his success of offloading a patient earlier in the day, Officer Schrute returned in the evening with another intoxicated patient. He was promptly placed on a 5150, as the ED staff unanimously agreed that being a police officer is an inherently dangerous profession. It was explained to him that he could get hurt at work, so he needs a psychiatric evaluation. He began yelling, “You can't put me on a hold for that!” The officer became so distraught that he was secured in a padded room for his safety.
While the psychiatry team ran around evaluating their influx of patients, they looked towards the officer-turned-patient yelling from the locked room and remarked, “Wow, that guy really is crazy!”
This is my first satire in over a year - probably not a surprise it relate to mental health. Seriously though, mental health is no joke. Please reach out to your support systems and seek professional help when needed.
In what resembled an Oprah Winfrey-esque giveaway bonanza, every person in the emergency department at Hospital Woeisme received a 5150 yesterday.
Two young dads in sports jerseys stroll around their mostly-deserted suburban neighborhood. They're carrying small folding stools and listening to a police scanner. Their faces light up when they hear the crackling radio announce that a trauma has occurred near them. They rush to the nearby address. On arriving, they set up their stools on the sidewalk. They pull brightly colored plastic microphones, which look 'borrowed' from their kids, from their jacket pockets.
Hospital Woeisme has won a record-breaking number of Golden Catheter Awards this year. Just at the Golden Raspberry Awards, also known as the Razzies, honor to the worst movies each year, the Cathies are awarded annually to hospitals for colossal screw-ups, embarrassing claims-to-fame, and record-breaking fails.
What started as a mistaken laboratory order blossomed into one of the greatest romances that Hospital Woeisme has ever seen.
One afternoon, an employee heard the familiar whoosh and clunk of a carrier tube arriving via the pneumatic tube system. The hospital-wide tube system transports thousands of items each day, such as laboratory samples and medications. On opening the tube at her station, station 14, she found an item request from station 63, which had been meant for another department.
Longtime friends Dr. Ricardo and Dr. Mertz recently launched their line of designer hospital attire called Chic Cheeks. The women met as undergraduate students and shared the goal of becoming surgeons. They supported each other through the arduous years of medical school and their respective surgical residencies. Now as attending physicians at Hospital Woeisme, the duo continues to do research and other projects together. Their most recent venture, however, developed far outside of the operating room.
The annual mass casualty incident (MCI) training drill, organized and run by volunteer emergency physicians from Hospital Woeisme, took an unexpected turn this year.
Pediatricians at Hospital Woeisme were shocked during rounds over the weekend to find that the pediatrics ward had been placed on lockdown. Though initially worried that a security threat had triggered the lockdown, they soon found that the pediatric patients had staged the coup themselves and taken control of the ward.
The first annual Take Your Parents to Work Day occurred at Hospital Woeisme last week. The idea stemmed from the resident wellness committee; they reasoned that the experience would show families what the day-to-day life of a resident truly entails. Trainees from each specialty were given permission to have their parents shadow all patient-care activities, including procedures, rounds, and conferences.
Wok n’ Wards, the new restaurant at Hospital Woeisme, caused quite a stir-fry in the emergency department last week. The restaurant replaced a longstanding delicatessen, and features Asian styles dishes where patrons can mix and match vegetables, noodles, and meats such as chicken, pork, and beef. Notably missing from the menu is any dish with turkey.
ROSC, a band comprised of residents from Hospital Woeisme, has been announced as the winner of a nationwide talent contest! The band, which officially stands for ‘Rockin’ Out, Stayin’ Cool,’ (though rumor has it the original acronym stood for ‘Residents Over Stupid Crap,’ and not to be confused with the ambulance ride-share app ‘Riding On Shared Cabs’) has signed a multi-million dollar recording contract as part of their winnings. Playing in the genre they’ve dubbed Nouveau Classic Rock, ROSC is reminiscent of Jimi Hendrix, with the added intensity of Lenny Kravitz-esque energy.
Hospital Woeisme has finished updating its entrances, with the completed doors more closely resembling something from the new Star Wars movie than a hospital entrance. Each metal entryway features a short, tunneled pathway, wide enough for one person to walk through at a time. In addition to the usual feature of allowing for ingress and egress of a structure, these doors have something extra: they are all CT scanners.
Always aiming to stay on top of the latest trends in the medical world, Hospital Woeisme has started selling essential oils in its gift shop and pharmacy. According to hospital CEO Dr. Koopa, “Essential oils promise all sorts of medical benefits. The premium starter kit I purchased contains a variety of flavors, and I was promised that my return on investment would be enormous – how could I not get involved in such an enterprise?”
Breaking news from Hospital Woeisme! The newest medical marvel on the market, diexerciseatrightumab, is now available. It goes by the trade name Allinone (pronounced all-in-one), but most refer to it simply as: The Magic Pill.
Hospital Woeisme administrators have been scouring the facility recently, attempting to locate a secret resident-run speakeasy. Rumors first spread about the hidden bar when a disgruntled resident, who apparently hadn’t been given an invitation, reported it to his attending. The speakeasy is believed to have music, games, and drinking, though no one is entirely sure as it is so mysterious.
An unusual noise emanating from the surgeon's lounge at Hospital Woeisme resulted in one of the greatest medical mysteries in recent history. The sound, described as near constant, loud, and varying in pitch and tone, disturbed and confused any who heard it. When investigated, the cause of the noise turned out to be uncontrollable laughter.
This past Saturday a 150-year-old time capsule was unearthed on the grounds of Hospital Woeisme. Initially buried in the year 1870 at a ceremony commemorating the opening of Hospital Woeisme, the time capsule was inscribed with the instructions, “Do not open until January 20, 2020. Or else.”
The long-standing tradition of a springtime interdepartmental resident and fellow baseball game at Hospital Woeisme is getting replaced this year with a roller derby match. Changing the activity is hoping to level the playing field and get more trainees to participate. Typically, the same few folks end up pitching and batting, while the rest aimlessly wander the outfield or drink beer in the bleachers.
The University College of Woeisme officially changed its name to University of Woeisme College of Medicine at a ribbon cutting ceremony earlier today. The name change occurred just prior to the school’s annual pep rally. Rumors abound that the actual impetus for the name change was the result of an unfortunate incident with a prominent donor.
Physicians are scientists. They tend to favor evidence-based medicine, robust research studies, and cold, hard logic. Ghosts and superstitions do not typically fall under those categories. But in room 513, a series of odd events has caused a group of medicine interns to question their disbelief in the supernatural.
In the darkness of the radiology reading rooms, only the gentle hum of the computers and the quiet chatter of residents dictating radiology reads break the silence. Among the computers sits Dr. Exner, a senior radiology resident at Hospital Woeisme. He has recently become known for a peculiar habit – he has begun added Rorschach interpretations into each and every radiology report he completes.
In an attempt to increase revenue and meet the growing tourism needs of the city, Hospital Woeisme has joined Airbnb and is now renting out their call rooms. According to hospital CEO Dr. Koopa, the move is both innovative and resourceful. “Tourists today are constantly looking for new and immersive experiences. What could be more exciting than experiencing the life of a resident physician?”
A startling and unnerving event is unfolding at University of Woeisme College of Medicine. Professor Dr. Dume has been taken into custody for the attempted murder of an undisclosed, but reportedly astronomical, number of medical students. The charges against Dume specified multiple counts of ‘Voluntary Death by PowerPoint.’
Dr. McMuffin, the lesser-known cousin of beloved TV physician Doc McStuffins, is the newest pediatric hospitalist at Hospital Woeisme. The young physician has already impressed her colleagues with her breadth of knowledge and clinical acumen, but apparently that is where the similarities with her cousin end. The residents have already been heard grumbling about McMuffin’s less than inviting personality and multitude of pet peeves.
Dr. Sachar beamed as the Dean of Something Educational presented her with her medical school diploma from University of Woeisme College of Medicine. As a truly non-traditional medical school graduate, Dr. Sachar’s path to becoming a doctor began in an unexpected way – as a frequent flyer.
Consulting physicians at Hospital Woeisme have started using remote-control drones to see their overnight consults. Instead of going into the hospital to see patients, the attendings can pilot a drone into their patient’s room, potentially avoiding a trip to the hospital.
Always at the forefront of innovations in medical training, the internal medicine teams at Hospital Woeisme have begun using electric scooters to travel between patient rooms during rounds. This novel practice has halved the amount of time it typically takes to complete rounding, as the teams now move much faster than before.
After several months of intense investigation, the underground high-stakes resident-run Bingo game at Hospital Woeisme has finally been uncovered and disbanded. Originating with the ED residents, the game was initially just for fun. The game turned serious, and illegal, when players began paying to join in. The reported payout could be thousands of dollars, depending on how many residents played and won each week.
Senior ortho resident Dr. Bones falls for nerdy psych intern Dr. Siggy in the most highly anticipated Broadway musical this year: Med School Musical!
In what started as a joke by the senior emergency medicine residents at Hospital Woeisme, Baby Yoda memes posted around the ED have had an astonishing and unexpected impact on patient behavior.
Physician researchers at Hospital Woeisme are known as the best in the country. Their skills are so advanced that they have achieved the impossible – they have cured death! The team had been working on a secret elixir, dubbed Anti-Deather (trademark pending), for years. They had tested various iterations of the proprietary concoction on scores of recently deceased patients, though they had not had any success until today.