5150 Giveaway!
5150 Giveaway!
In what resembled an Oprah Winfrey-esque giveaway bonanza, every person in the emergency department at Hospital Woeisme received a 5150 yesterday.
The day began when police officer Schrute, looking to avoid the paperwork of arresting a drunken young male, instead opted to bring him to the ED on a psychiatric hold, also known as a 5150.
Officer Schrute explained, “The patient was knocking on doors in a bad area, and he could have gotten himself hurt, so he must be suicidal and needs to be on a 5150.”
The patient stumbled, shrugged, and slurred, “I thought I was at my AirBNB, I don't wanna hurt myself.” The ED staff nonetheless accepted the cop’s reasoning and the patient was checked in to await evaluation by a psychiatrist.
The next patient, Ms. Danvers, arrived after dropping a box of hand sanitizer on her foot while at work. After her foot was bandaged, she stated that she planned to go finish her shift. Using the cop’s logic, the staff concluded that she must be suicidal because she could get hurt again yet she still wanted to return to her job. To further evaluate her apparent death wish, Ms. Danvers was also placed on a 5150.
More patients were subsequently placed on psychiatric holds for partaking in dangerous activities. By mid-afternoon most patients were deemed in need of 5150s, including:
- A college student who planned to keep snowboarding after twisting his ankle.
- A 7-year-old girl who wanted to go back on a trampoline after breaking her arm.
- A diabetic patient who planned to keep using insulin after an episode of hypoglycemia.
- The family member of a patient who drove to the ED without wearing a seatbelt.
Some of the patients began to protest the 5150s. One patient even threatened to harm a nurse if he was not released. The staff came to the realization that working in an ED is dangerous, and that any person who chooses to work in such an environment must be crazy. Shortly thereafter all the ED staff members were placed on psychiatric holds.
Emboldened by his success of offloading a patient earlier in the day, Officer Schrute returned in the evening with another intoxicated patient. He was promptly placed on a 5150, as the ED staff unanimously agreed that being a police officer is an inherently dangerous profession. It was explained to him that he could get hurt at work, so he needs a psychiatric evaluation. He began yelling, “You can't put me on a hold for that!” The officer became so distraught that he was secured in a padded room for his safety.
While the psychiatry team ran around evaluating their influx of patients, they looked towards the officer-turned-patient yelling from the locked room and remarked, “Wow, that guy really is crazy!”
This is my first satire in over a year - probably not a surprise it relate to mental health. Seriously though, mental health is no joke. Please reach out to your support systems and seek professional help when needed.
