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150-Year-Old Time Capsule Unearthed

The Gross Clinic, 1875, Thomas Eakins, Oil on Canvas

This past Saturday a 150-year-old time capsule was unearthed on the grounds of Hospital Woeisme. Initially buried in the year 1870 at a ceremony commemorating the opening of Hospital Woeisme, the time capsule was inscribed with the instructions, “Do not open until January 20, 2020. Or else.”

Old pieces of medical equipment, closely resembling medieval torture devices, were included, such as artificial leeches, an arrow remover, and an array of amputation saws and knives.

In addition, the time capsule included a letter from Civil War surgeon Dr. Sawbones:

January 20, 1870

Dearest Physicians of the Future World,

I hope this letter finds you well in the year of 2020. I can only imagine the wondrous surgical and medical advances that have graced your future!

1870 is an exciting time in medicine. The doors to Hospital Woeisme have opened, and we have a state-of-the-art operating theater. Just this morning, students of medicine filled the seats to observe a new medical phenomenon called “anesthesia.” Putting the patient asleep before operating? What a novel idea! A far cry (literally) from my days of battlefield amputations where all I had to use was a tourniquet, a rusty bone saw, and some whiskey (the whiskey was for both the patient and myself).

Next week, a guest physician name Dr. Jenner is coming to talk to us about advances in the fight again Smallpox. Apparently, if you give someone a small bit of virus, just a tiny bit, they develop something called “immunity.” How genius! How did I not think of that? I imagine a future where deadly diseases like smallpox, measles, and influenza can be prevented, instead of killing and maiming people all over the world. Perhaps our lifespan will increase from 40 years old to 60 – or even 70 – years old!

Aside from those advances, the hospital supports some guy named Dr. Lister who believes that invisible bugs are crawling all over our patients and making them sick. I mean, I know Hospital Woeisme aims to be a paragon of medical and surgical advancements, but really, imperceptible creatures spreading disease and mayhem? Because of that quack, we are now required to do something called “sterilizing” our surgical tools between surgeries. What’s next – scrubbing our hands to kill these invisible monsters and wearing head-to-toe robes to prevent them from jumping between people? I’m sure you surgeons in the future will have a good laugh about that trend.

I recently have been recommending a modern cure-all, a cocaine-heroin-opium tincture, for most aches and ailments. However, when it comes to our patients, we often struggle with compliance. Patients seem to ignore medical advice. Perhaps by 2020 people will listen to their physician over the local essential snake oil salesman or traveling sideshow miracle man. Or, even better, perhaps by 2020 there will be a magic pill which cures all common diseases plaguing mankind.

Well, I must get back to operating theater. We’ve obtained the body of a recently hanged criminal, and must dissect him before he becomes too stiff and malodorous.

My sincerest hopes are that this time capsule has found you and your patients in good health, and that Hospital Woeisme has blossomed into a mecca of medical education and treatment.

Sincerely,

Dr. Sawbones

January 20, 1870

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