Professor Charged with Attempted Death by PowerPoint
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Professor Charged with Attempted Death by PowerPoint
A startling and unnerving event is unfolding at University of Woeisme College of Medicine. Professor Dr. Dume has been taken into custody for the attempted murder of an undisclosed, but reportedly astronomical, number of medical students. The charges against Dume specified multiple counts of ‘Voluntary Death by PowerPoint.’
According to his colleagues, Dume has been teaching his classes in the exact same way for over 40 years. He has resisted suggestions to include images, problem-based learning, discussion, or anything that deviates from plain, dense black text on a white background from which he reads. Initially, students were thought to be getting ill from an infectious disease such as mono – large swaths of students became lethargic, with unstable vitals and loss of consciousness. An intrepid undercover reporter sensed that there was more to the story and kept digging until he uncovered a link between the students – they were all in Dr. Dume’s class.
On further digging, the reporter found out that Dume allegedly aimed to wipe out half his class in a single nephrology lecture. The reporter shared the chilling scene where he watched student’s eyes glaze over and fall in a stupor. He stated, “Dr. Dume seemed to take sick pleasure in the slow torture of his captive audience. His dull words and monotonous cadence seeped into my soul, slowing my pulse – I began to feel my life force slipping away. Student slumping over during class did not disturb him, but only seemed to spur him on.”
By the end of the lecture, the student’s heart rates and blood pressures were so low that most of them were presumed dead, resulting in the hospital morgue reaching capacity and temporarily going on bypass. Over time every student roused, causing the pathology resident working in the morgue that day, Dr. Toolatté, to run out screaming, “The zombie apocalypse has started!”
Most professors expressed surprise at the news about Dume. Dr. Sachar said, “He was always so kind and helpful to me; I can’t believe such a monster exists under there.” Dr. Byte, a long-time friend of Dr. Dume, felt differently. “There is no way these ‘alleged’ events are true. I’m sure there’s some other explanation as to why those students got sick.”
Dr. Dume declined to comment when contacted. His attorney stated, “My client is innocent. He was simply prescribing to standard practices in medical education.” Although University of Woeisme College of Medicine has not yet released an official statement about Dume, they did post the following on their Twitter account @HospitalWoeisme earlier today: Finals approaching soon, don’t forget to review your notes and PPTs! #Woeisme #MedTwitter #StudyTime #DeathbyPPT #ZombieApocalypse
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