Frequent Flyer Awarded Medical Degree
Your daily dose of snark.
Frequent Flyer Awarded Medical Degree
Dr. Sachar beamed as the Dean of Something Educational presented her with her medical school diploma from University of Woeisme College of Medicine. As a truly non-traditional medical school graduate, Dr. Sachar’s path to becoming a doctor began in an unexpected way – as a frequent flyer.
On any given day over the past fifteen years, Fiona Sachar could be found admitted to one of Hospital Woeisme’s many services. During each hospital admission, she would diligently look up every differential diagnosis related to her visit, keep track of her lab studies, and ask for copies of any imaging that was done. Many of her diagnoses remain mysterious, and some question whether she has any actual medical conditions at all. She has spent the equivalent of almost a year on each of the following wards: medicine, surgery, neurology, cardiology, pediatrics, psychiatry, and obstetrics and gynecology. She has also visited her family practitioner no less than 152 times in the past few years and had 807 trips to the emergency department.
During bedside rounds each morning, Sachar would listen to the med student or resident presenting her case. After several years of these presentations, she began interjecting when something was reported wrong. Sachar then expanded to correcting the team’s exam skills. “Well, after being examined by hundreds of residents over the years, you begin to have a sense of who knows what they’re doing, and who is just faking it.”
In an effort to improve her bedside teaching, she began reading medical journals and sharing the latest research and innovations with her medical team each morning. After hundreds of hours on PubMed and Wikipedia, she developed a solid fund of foundational medical knowledge. Coupled with her hundreds of hours spent as a patient at Hospital Woeisme, she began being able to formulate a plan of care for herself each day, regardless of which service she was on.
“At first I found her interruptions and suggestions annoying,” shared Dr. Sloe, an internal medicine attending. “But, then I realized that her plans were always reasonable and her teaching points were not only valid, but always up to date with current standards of care. Whenever we rounded in her room, it actually became a nice break from teaching.”
Dr. Sachar’s hospital room became a mini-library and study hall. Residents frequently visited her for advice on difficult cases. “When the residents began asking me for guidance on other patients, I realized that I never wanted to leave Hospital Woeisme.” Dr. Sachar proceeded to take and pass the required exams for each rotation. Given the amount of hours she had spent in the hospital as a patient, she had completed the equivalent of medical school, two residencies, and several fellowships. On examining her credentials and exam scores, University of Woeisme found that she had completed all requirements for graduation from medical school, even if not necessarily in the way typical students proceed.
When asked about which specialty she would pursue for residency she laughed, “Residency? Oh definitely not. I have yet to meet a resident on any service who is happy, well rested, well fed, or well adjusted. No, no. It’s teaching for me. I’m proud to announce that I have accepted a faculty position at University of Woeisme College of Medicine, where I’ll be teaching 'Introduction to Clinical Medicine.’ You know, teaching exam skills to the first and second year med students.”
Since becoming a professor at University of Woeisme, Dr. Sachar has not had any subsequent ED visits or hospital admissions. As Dr. Sachar explains, “I can’t let down my students. I’m just so busy now with teaching, there’s no time to be sick!”
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